Who writes bumper stickers, anyway?

traffic cones

Nice idea from Missouri — we could use some of these around here! Image courtesy of majonews1, Morguefile.

Driving around the DC metro area is one thing: C-R-A-Z-Y. I call it “combat driving”; there are a bunch of hurry-up tailgaters attempting to get to their office buildings as if where they work was going to vanish before they arrive.

(Rule #1 of driving around here: TAKE THE BACK ROADS TO KEEP MOVING.

Rule #2 and #3 of driving around here: Refer to Rule #1.)

As a DC metro urbanite, I spend a lot of time sitting in traffic and idly glancing at my fellow road warriors while I’m waiting for vehicles to move. It’s an entertaining education in human behavior — some chat on their cell phones, touch up their appearance, laugh at the witticisms of radio hosts or their passengers, or even sing to liven up the commute.

I found one guy one morning who seemed to be a major opera lover — I’m thinking he had a secret desire to be a conductor for the Boston Pops. I’m sure that guy’s going to end up on a YouTube video someday.

All of this sitting in traffic gives me the opportunity to look at the backs of vehicles and read their bumper stickers. I sometimes wonder  — who comes up with all of the quips I see? Is it a writer or graphic designer, hunched over their computer in a brightly decorated cubicle while sipping a Red Bull or their favorite Starbucks latte? Or is it a business owner who’s feeling punny that morning and is struck with a moment of literary genius?

I’ve seen some good bumper stickers that made me laugh out loud, so I’m sharing those with you today to entertain you:

1) Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons…For You Are Crunchy And Taste Good With Ketchup. (I suspect this one was created by someone who enjoyed Dungeons & Dragons.)

2) Be Alert — Your Country Needs Lerts

3) Don’t Touch Me — I’m Not That Kind Of Car

4) Don’t Worry What People Think — They Don’t Do It Very Often

5) Be Nice To Your Kids — They’ll Choose Your Nursing Home

6) I Used To Be A Mini — But I’m All Growed Up Now

7) Out Of My Mind — Back In 5 Minutes

8) Money Talks — Mine Keeps Saying Goodbye

9) I Have Good Brakes — Do You Have Good Insurance?

10) What If The Hokey-Pokey Really IS What It’s All About?

I’m thinking all of us DC commuters should have a theme song. I nominate this one by Billy Joel, courtesy of NerdKingdom on YouTube.

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26 Comments

Filed under Writing

26 responses to “Who writes bumper stickers, anyway?

  1. Awesome bumper stickers! I particularly liked the ‘money talks’ and the ‘don’t worry what people think’. Thanks for sharing!

  2. I, too, am a “combat driver.” On the opposite end of the spectrum are the clueless slow-pokes driving under the speed limit in the fast lane and actually becoming road hazards. Those guys need lessons.

  3. I love the “designer” license plates. Sometimes I can’t make out what the driver intended but other times, wow! how did that get through the censors!

  4. I liked “Beware of girls who come from buffalo…instead of normal parents.

  5. Two favorites: This is Garry’s all time fave, the ONLY bumper sticker he ever put on his own beloved Mustang convertible:

    SO MANY PEDESTRIANS, SO LITTLE TIME.

    And both of ours:

    HANG UP AND DRIVE

  6. We don’t really have bumper stickers over here I feel like we could be missing out on traffic jam humour – I particularly like the one about dragons made me giggle 🙂
    Elinor

  7. Those are witty, and funny,,, and yeah— Who Does Write Bumper Stickers anyway?

  8. Great bumper stickers. I like the one about Lerts. Be alert. I think I’ll make that my new motto.

  9. Of course the classic is “If you can read this you’re too close.”
    Metro traffic is one reason I stay in my small town.

    I nominate Taylor’s “D**n this traffic jam (how I hate to be late, hurts my motor to go so slow…)

  10. Ah, DC Metro area traffic. 🙂 And, of course, there’s the running debate of which commuters have it worse: we Marylanders with 270 or Virginians with 66. Both are terrible, but having spent rush “hour” on both, I have to think 66 is a bit worse.

    I love the fun stickers. I think #1 is a riff on Tolkien, though, from The Lord of the Rings. “Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.” But the dragon version definitely made me smile. 🙂

    • There’s 66, and Route 7, and 95….Hoo boy. Basically, any major road heading anywhere.

      Metro helps, though. Can you imagine what it would be like if all of those 750,000+ daily riders used their own vehicles?

  11. I lived and worked in D.C. for 6 years. I know the rules–especially #1!

    And I love the bumper stickers–some people are so creative. 🙂

  12. The one bumper sticker that made me laugh for a ridiculously long time said

    Jesus Loves You
    But everyone else thinks you’re an a**hole.

    I’m giggling just thinking about it.

    And, yes, I have been accused of being immature.

  13. Jill Kurtz

    Reblogged this on Jill Kurtz, APR.

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