Who writes bumper stickers, anyway?

Nice idea from Missouri — we could use some of these around here! Image courtesy of majonews1, Morguefile.

Driving around the DC metro area is one thing: C-R-A-Z-Y. I call it “combat driving”; there are a bunch of hurry-up tailgaters attempting to get to their office buildings as if where they work was going to vanish before they arrive.

(Rule #1 of driving around here: TAKE THE BACK ROADS TO KEEP MOVING.

Rule #2 and #3 of driving around here: Refer to Rule #1.)

As a DC metro urbanite, I spend a lot of time sitting in traffic and idly glancing at my fellow road warriors while I’m waiting for vehicles to move. It’s an entertaining education in human behavior — some chat on their cell phones, touch up their appearance, laugh at the witticisms of radio hosts or their passengers, or even sing to liven up the commute.

I found one guy one morning who seemed to be a major opera lover — I’m thinking he had a secret desire to be a conductor for the Boston Pops. I’m sure that guy’s going to end up on a YouTube video someday.

All of this sitting in traffic gives me the opportunity to look at the backs of vehicles and read their bumper stickers. I sometimes wonder  — who comes up with all of the quips I see? Is it a writer or graphic designer, hunched over their computer in a brightly decorated cubicle while sipping a Red Bull or their favorite Starbucks latte? Or is it a business owner who’s feeling punny that morning and is struck with a moment of literary genius?

I’ve seen some good bumper stickers that made me laugh out loud, so I’m sharing those with you today to entertain you:

1) Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons…For You Are Crunchy And Taste Good With Ketchup. (I suspect this one was created by someone who enjoyed Dungeons & Dragons.)

2) Be Alert — Your Country Needs Lerts

3) Don’t Touch Me — I’m Not That Kind Of Car

4) Don’t Worry What People Think — They Don’t Do It Very Often

5) Be Nice To Your Kids — They’ll Choose Your Nursing Home

6) I Used To Be A Mini — But I’m All Growed Up Now

7) Out Of My Mind — Back In 5 Minutes

8) Money Talks — Mine Keeps Saying Goodbye

9) I Have Good Brakes — Do You Have Good Insurance?

10) What If The Hokey-Pokey Really IS What It’s All About?

I’m thinking all of us DC commuters should have a theme song. I nominate this one by Billy Joel, courtesy of NerdKingdom on YouTube.